What’s the “battle” really about?

There will be times in life that feel like a battle, difficult times that require you to ask for help, make adjustments in your routine or take extra steps to care for yourself.  A custody battle, a devastating diagnosis, a death, or state of depression. These difficult times were not a choice. 

Sometimes we decide to make something a “battle”, unnecessarily. Why, though? There may be a variety of deeper reasons behind the desire, the usual suspects are: fear, control, chaos feels comfortable, more fear. The fabulous thing is you have a choice. A choice to get curious about where this urge to fight is really coming from. 

Here’s an example from the real world

Mom: “No, no you’re not wearing that. Go back upstairs and put on the outfit your aunt Theresa and I got for you on Saturday, it’s so cute and it matches  those shoes you have. That will look so nice” 

Daughter: “I don’t want to wear that, it’s not my style mom. I know what I like, what makes me feel good, that’s why I picked this outfit.” 

Mom: “But you know how much time we spent picking those out just for you and they were expensive honey. You don’t want to waste them and wear that, now go back upstairs we’re gonna be late.”

What’s really happening here? It’s not about clothes, it’s not about the money. It’s most likely about fear of being perceived in a certain way by others and wanting to control the narrative around how you’re perceived. What would that say about you if your daughter's outfit was scrutinized? Does thinking about it make you squirm?

The real opportunity here isn’t in picking out a new outfit, it’s in allowing for the messiness and individualistic celebration of life, asking questions like:

“Tell me why you love this outfit so much, what about it makes you happy? This is so fun to learn about the things that bring you joy and are important to you.”

And in asking yourself:

“Why does this bother me so much, where does this show up in other areas of my life, how can I practice letting go of the need for external validation and lean into allowing others and myself to be their most authentic selves?” 

Before you step in the ring, find out what you’re fighting about. And with who. It might just be yourSELF.