It’s not about WHAT you’re saying, it’s about WHY they think you’re saying it.

It’s not about WHAT you’re saying, it’s about WHY they think you’re saying it. 

Have you gotten halfway through an important conversation and thought “well this is a trainwreck!” I have, ugh. 

Instead of stopping, being honest about that and getting back to basics about why it matters, you keep going until you’re further apart than before.

What might cause people to stop listening and start defending? It might seem like anger on the surface, it’s probably not. It might be fear that something they need, want or value will be in jeopardy. 

How do you meet and calm this fear? By establishing mutual purpose and trust. The Intent, the WHY behind what you’re saying.  Genuine transparency  along with ideas of how to work together to achieve it, and wow…It’s a whole new conversation!!

Here’s an example of how this could show up:

Ex 1:

 “ The first level flooring looks pretty bad. The dips and transitions are a trip hazard and liability. They need to be replaced before we begin showings. I’ll schedule a vendor to come give you an estimate.” 

These may all be 100% true BUT it’s not 100% about that. Perception is reality.  If the other party has doubts about your why, if they feel it’s unclear, if they hear something that triggers unaddressed fear or pain that’s the space they’ll be reacting from.

Maybe they feel vulnerable because they don’t know everything they think they “should” and react defensively out of fear. Or maybe this rental property is all their savings and will be their retirement so they need a different approach to feel supported and heard. 

When you meet resistance, stop pushing.  Acknowledge it, hold space to allow for mutual purpose to come to light as you uncover where you’ve both been coming from. 

Ex 2:

“Ensuring your investments return is top priority to me. Making it happen is a twofold process; keeping it properly maintained, leasing to and keeping quality tenants. 

I have a concern with the main level flooring. It’s buckling, dipping and wavy in each room. This is a trip hazard, potential liability and a detractor during showings. I suggest having the floor/subfloor evaluated by a pro for details on what’s needed.  Be sure to get at least two quotes, I have trusted vendors if you need a recommendation. Making the necessary repairs will result in; beautiful, safer floors that add to the value of your home, allow us to charge above market rent and keep tenants happy with an upgraded property. “

There is always mutual purpose. Stay open minded. Get curious. Reflect back.